“Werewolf? – There wolf!” – Jon Spencer BX + Dälek + Scott Matthew + A Rant About GEMA/BMI/ASCAP/CISACetc.

“Werewolf?
There wolf!”
Young Frankenstein

THE JON SPENCER BLUES EXPLOSION are going to play at the K4 tomorrow, Monday, night.
COBRA KILLER are playing support.
I am excited.

* _ *

DÄLEK were great. Huge and dark and itense. I loved it.

I learned that one of the Dälek guys once has collaborated on something with Jon Spencer but I’ve clean forgotten on what. I just remember Stephan has told me we are supposed to say ‘hello’ from them to Jon before leaving on holiday. Everyone has their holiday travels except for me. No, I’m not complaining. Nonono.
Anyways, whatever that collaboration was, I would like to hear it. Another, far more interesting I’ve learned about that night is Geocaching. Mik made it first sound a bit nerdy and weird but I can absolutely understand the fascination, especially the ‘lost places’ part. I had seen some blogs about urban exploration before and found them quite cool. This is one example of those abandoned urban spots and here are pictures of whole abandoned towns. Overall I had a wonderful tipsy night out, talked too much and I am far too lazy to write a proper review of the Dälek show.
Apropos ‘no proper review’: It’s cool that one of our local newspaper wrote about the SCOTT MATTHEW show at all but please:
1. All of Nuremberg knows by now that the K4 festsaal has no aircon because at the two times a year in which a newspaper finds one of the shows we put up interesting enough to write about the writer always uses up half of his wordcount to complain about the heat. Or at the Trail of Dead show: about the smoking ban. Dear Scott Matthew reviewer, it would have been nice if you had dared to break with that tradition and instead dedicated a few lines more to the music and the artists.
2. Thanks for just writing how weird Scott’s shirt looked. I mean: Thanks for not spelling it out as “his shirt looked totally gay”.
See, it was one of those shows that seemed to delight everyone in the audience, and I wasn’t the only one who was even close to tears during some songs, and Antares and Mario had put a lot of work in a beautiful decoration to give the concert room a special atmosphere, and I really only got enthusiastic feedback from people in the audience, so I was a bit disappointed that the review turned out so loveless. Scott celebrated his birthday after the show which was more cozy than exciting (you can’t really go out late night on a Monday in Nuremberg) but Jessy had made a vegan birthday cake and we had champagne and it was quite nice.

* _ *

I saw this clip about a cross of art and kinetics on a messageboard and think it’s pretty amazing:

www.strandbeest.com

* _ *

GEMA/ASCAP/CISAC/SUISA/AKMetc. are institutions for helping musicians to protect their copyright. In practice they help the artist to get money whenever one of their songs is played. Sounds fair? Somehow it does. Whenever music is played in public, no matter if in a bar or a laundry or on the radio or at your hairdresser the bar/laundry/radio/hairdresser etc. have to pay money to the GEMA/etc. Of course it would take far too much time for a hairdresser to write lists of which songs by which artists they play as background music while their shop is open so there’s not really a chance that the artists get a share that’s based on what’s REALLY played. Instead the performance rights organisations use a formula that’s supposed to give a fair share to all their artist members. No one knows how that formula really works, it’s not public and from what I heard it’s not even comprehensible to the staff of GEMA/etc. The paying schema of the GEMA doesn’t work properly nor can their clients claim clear statistics to get informed what happenes with all the money. This has been criticised since years.

Like I already mentioned I find it kind of fair if the artists gets a bit of money whenever their songs get airplay also you could question that cause it also is a kind of advertisement service for their songs. What I don’t understand is with which arguments the GEMA can demand money from promoters for the bands that play their original music live. If it’s a cover band – fine, you could argue the original artists should see some money if their work gets played but I’m talking about bands who only play their own music. As a promoter I already have a deal with the band or its booker on how much money or percentage the band is getting paid. How does the GEMA fit in here? I KNOW that there are hundreds of bands who never see that money. I guess they would have to send in lists of what they played to the GEMA and then would get some money according to where they played, how often they played, how big the venues where, etc. There are some german bands of whom I know they do that but I’d estimate that 80-90% of the GEMA-bands I’ve put up shows for never ever have done so, many of them cause they don’t even know what they would have to do to get that money. I’ve already thought about sending out a questionnaire to them because I really would love to know:

a) Do you even know that the promoters pay fee to performance righs associations and that you have the right to claim it from the GEMA/BMI/ASCAP/etc.?

b) Do you know what you have to do to get that money from the GEMA/BMI/ASCAP/etc.?

c) If you send in your forms to claim your money: Have you ever really got the money for live shows?

d) If you got that money: Is it as much as the promoter paid as GEMA/ASCAP/BMI/etc. fee for your show?

I expect that most bands that we have had at the K4 and who have their music protected by GEMA/BMI/ASCAP/etc. would answer at least two of those three questions with ‘No!’. It is not just a few bucks we’re talking about. At the place where I put up shows with friends we pay between 100 and 250 euros for a show. For a lot smaller touring bands who go on extensive tours that might sum up to quite a big amount of money.
Last week I’ve got an email passed on by a booking agency in which someone told a story about how they sued the german performing rights organisation because they could prove that the money they had paid for their show had never been passed on to the artist. It hasn’t become a law suite because the GEMA preferred not to get the law involved and instead suddenly passed on the money to the artist quite quickly. I wonder what would happen if every band that has never gotten their money did the same.

My opinion still is: Dear artists, as long as you are not Rihanna or The Cure but play a lot of live shows please keep your music GEMA/ASCAP/BMI/etc.-free. Then the promoter can give you that money directly and does not have to pay it to the GEMA/ASCAP/BMI/etc. which would pass on most of it to Rihanna or The Cure anyway. I’ve heard that in other countries bands can sign some form to officially free a promoter from the GEMA fee for a live show if they wish to. In Germany that is not the case as far as I know.

There are so many things unfair about the GEMA system that you really should think twice before you join them. For example the price a promoter pays if they put up a show for you depends on:

– how big the concert room is (as far as I know including the bar and stage area. as if paying audience could use that space!)

and

– how high the entrance fee is (no matter how many people turn up which would seem a much fairer deal)

Another of the multiple examples to complain about the GEMA is: If you have a song protected by the GEMA you have to pay for making it available as a free download mp3 on your own website (I think 15 Cent per download). Let me repeat: You have to pay money per download if you want to give your very own song away as a gift to your fans. Pardon me?!

Still generation after generation of naive bands shove their songs into that system. Correct me if I’m wrong but basically it’s a system that feeds off the fear that you get ripped off, that someone ‘steals’ your song and that you don’t have a possibility to prove that you wrote it first. Pleas face it: The chance to get ripped off by the GEMA is far bigger than the chance of getting ripped off by someone else.
On top of this – but that’s another can of worms to open – it is more than questionable if bands really still write so much truly protectworthy original material and if the copyright law as such isn’t outdated.

The GEMA is so omnipresent and there are so many profit-oriented music institutions that hammer it into the brains of young bands that it’s the firstmostimportantnootheroptionpossible-thing to do to get their songs “protected”. The GEMA/etc. has so much power that some people even think they don’t own the copyright to their own songs if they don’t get the GEMA involved. Promoters don’t seem to dare complaining too loud because they fear they could lose the arbitrarily given contracts that grant them a reduction of the GEMA fee. Even I wondered for a moment if I have to fear consequences for posting this critical position. I don’t want to risk losing my mysp or getting sued for a mix.

My main problem with performance rights organisations like GEMA/AKM/BMI/ASCAP/etc. is that they have managed to turn their perspective into a system that every artist has to deal with, even if they don’t want to have their copyright protected by such institutions. You won’t get a manufacturer to press your own music on vinyl withouth showing them a GEMAreceipt that ‘proves’ that it really is your work and that you really don’t want to have it protected by some dubious organisation. If you put up a show for a band that plays no gema-protected material at all you are obliged to prove that to the GEMA/etc.. If you don’t have a form filled in with the songs they played and signed by the band you have to pay the GEMAfee. This sounds a lot like ‘presumption of guilt’ and has been a hot topic in discussions about the GEMA since many years. After all there’s a big scene of bands and electronic artists who are not in the GEMA or similar organisations but are constantly buggered with legal problems while they just want to play music.

I guess other musicians and label owners and promoters have lots of interesting gruesome stories or silly anecdotes to tell about their experiences with performance rights associations. I would also be curious to hear some positive GEMA/ASCAP/BMI/CISAC/etc. experiences if there are any out there.

“Exterrrrminate!” – Dälek, The Locust

“Exterrrminate!”
The Daleks


Please pardon a little advertising for a show tomorrow night that I’d like to recommend: Dälek, icons of apocalyptic underground hiphop, a brilliant dark hiphop act from New York will play at the K4 and after the show the residents of the SUB:CITY party, Tobi and Selfintoxicated, will make you dance till the morning! I don’t listen to much hiphop but Dälek is one of the few acts I’ve liked for a very long time. Many years ago Kerstin and Tobi of Eartrumpet put up a legendary show with them and The Lapse at the old Kunstverein which was breathtakingly noisy and gloomy. All lights were switched off while Dälek played, only strobe light giving you glimpses of the band. I remember that after their show it felt like I had witnessed something outstanding. A few years later I saw another great Dälek show at the Desi in which I was especially impressed when their dj guy at one point swayed his turntable through the air towards the speakers to play with the feedback just like Hendrix did with his guitar, I don’t think any other hiphop dj ever did that. It’s hard to compare Dälek with other acts. Back when I first saw them they were the Neurosis of hiphop for me, later I found The Bug in his Techno Animal days being a similarly brute but aesthetic beast. By now I haven’t seen the Dälek live for quite a while but listening to their ‘Abandoned Language’ album I am convinced that they have even grown, and they sure are a LIVE act. It’s hard to capture their presence on cd or vinyl.

Or as popmatters.com describes Dälek:
“If there’s one hip-hop act that’s absolutely, perfectly suited for Mike Patton’s great indie label Ipecac, it’s Dälek. Upon first listen to any Dälek album, there’s nothing subtle about the music whatsoever. The lyrics, recited in a clear, direct manner by the group’s namesake, are pointed and unflinching, part street poet, part visionary, part psychotic homeless sidewalk pontificator. The man is going to make himself heard, damnit, and nobody had better try and stop him, or there’ll be hell to pay. The music is equally hard-edged, but when it first kicks in, it couldn’t sound more harsh; boasting a sound that’s both bottom heavy and eardrum piercing, producers Still and Oktopus assemble a cacophonous pastiche that’s equal parts Throbbing Gristle, New Kingdom, and My Bloody Valentine, crating some of the scariest hip hop music to come out since Tricky’s masterful one-two punch of Maxinquaye and Pre-Millenium Tension. What starts off as sounding jarring and atonal, however, somehow seeps into your bloodstream, and takes on a strangely warm quality, the lugubrious, hypnotic beats resembling a sedate, steady heartbeat, the turntabling and basslines forming a warm, numbing wave of sound, and all the while, Dälek’s lyrics overwhelm you with their passion and poeticism. That’s the genius of this New Jersey trio, the music is so deceiving; it’s far from noise.”

Tomorrow. 29th of August 2008. K4. 22:00.
www.myspace.com/dalek

* _ *

There are good news for those of you who miss the Sophisticated Boom Boom parties: Tobi, Peter and I have ganged up with Quirin to start something new: KILL THE POOR!

6th of September will be the first Kill The Poor party night. We have decided to make it a limited edition thing that will only take place 11 times. We plan on having mottos and masks, or even costumes, and other silly interactive stuff that makes it hard to stay passive-cool-scenester-bystanders. Most important: we want YOU to dance your asses off! I’ve made a myspace site for it that you can add right here:

WWW.MYSPACE.COM/KILLTHEPOORPARTY

There will be a possibility to get in for free that you will be able to get through that myspace site or if you email us at:
ancientofmu@googlemail.com

* _ *

Sometimes I wish I would manage to get up early more often. Feel free to hate on me, you regular workers, but usually I don’t manage to get up before 9 or 10. Which is a shame because if you have time to take things slow the hours between 6 and let’s say 9 are really special. This early in the morning everything seems ‘clean’, the head still swept empty from sleep, everything still seems promising and only slowly the sounds and impressions of the day set in. Today I managed to get up at 7 and read the paper for almost two hours. Slow-mo day. Felt good. Then I put a messie-load of clothes into the washing machine, carried a bazillion empty bottles downstairs to take them away later. That made me instantly feel like having accomplished something and thus I felt free to take some time for blogging along.  Of course I got distracted by myspace browsing and messages… finding out Death Sentence: Panda will play at Kafe Kult, I will sooo be there! Checking and answering emails, finding out that Des Ark will now play in Würzburg at the 19th of October which is the date on which we can’t put up that show for them at the K4 because it’s one of half a dozen of ‘quiet holidays’. In germany (especially bavaria) church is still so powerful that there are a couple of christian cult holidays on which it is forbidden to dance and play loud music and put up shows in public. Makes me feel like being stuck in the Footloose movie. It’s so absurd and restricting if you think of it but in Nuremberg the police has controlled those days increasingly harsh over the last few years, and the fines are high. I wonder how long this has to go on until we get our asses up to start some real protest. I feel a bit lame for complaining but being so passive about it.

* _ *

Two days ago Quirin and me drove to a Locust show at the Feierwerk in Munich. We did a good job in acting it out as if it were a holiday trip because both of us can’t afford a real one. Once more I realised that I have too many friends that are equally careless as I am when we found out that both of us hadn’t looked up the route before we left, blindly relying on each other. This seriously happens too often considering the gas price these days. Thanks to mobile phones and friends and gas station staff we still found the venue. And as no trip to Munich is a good trip withouth a little socializing with at least parts of the Kafe Kult peer group I was relieved to see some familiar faces turning up with Steffi Ragarella and Christian and Gott & die Welt Stefan. I also met a friend from Gießen which was a nice suprise. We missed half of the Rumpeln show cause it wasn’t very loud so we didn’t hear that it had started when we were standing outside chatting and smoking. Please, venues, now that we have this annoying smoking ban, can you please put up some signal when a show starts? Thank you. The part of Rumpeln that we caught was all about noisy rhythmic structures and video stuff with a toaster and he seemed to control it with a wii stick, or rather: he seemed to try to shove things out of control with a wii stick and lots of analog electronic apparatusses. (Or is it apparatussi?) ‘t was interesting but I confess I didn’t get into it in the few minutes that I had a chance to listen. A bit too abstract. After that Made Out Of Babies played. The first two songs I felt like being time-kicked back to a cross of an early Soundgarden and Babes-In-Toyland show and somehow I first liked at least parts of it, I guess because I’ve got a weak spot for female screaming psych style singers but the longer I watched it just sounded and looked like exactly the kind of grunge/crossover stuff from the 90s that I really can’t stand. Too pathos-laden, too wanna-be-weird&tough… I don’t know. Not my kind of thing but I don’t complain: hanging out in front of the club was fine too. It was good to meet Jeroen and one after the other all of The Locust guys again. And their show was good. Except for one annoying guy standing about a meter or two away from me who kept shouting ‘fuck you’ and showing the band his middle finger but everyone did a good job in ignoring him. It was weird that I understood every word he shouted although it wasn’t exactly a quiet show. On the contrary: Synth, drums and vocals were really loud, and especially the synth working its way through a wide range of noisy frequencies during one of the ambient parts killed my ears. In a good way though. Sometimes it’s got to hurt to be good. I regret whenever the tinnitus sets in but I’d still say it’s worth it. Their set had a good ‘arc of suspense’ (in lack of a better word), shrieking sounds, sharp attacks just letting go to make the next hit seem even harder, ambient parts, intense rhythms (from a beautiful deep red ludwig drum set) that make you want to move along but also lots of unexpected breaks that make it impossible to tap along. Somehow that kind of music always gives me the feeling that it’s the incorporation of an intense longing for something absent that you can’t put in words nor music. Like something strong is happening between the lines but you can’t put your finger on it. It’s strangely satisfying and unsatisfying at the same time. Does that sound esoteric? Damnit. I’ll better stop.
Anyways. It was a wonderful little excursion and mucho thanx to Quirin for driving. Somehow that evening set a new tone to my days, I feel mucho better and calmer again.

“To the past” – Ch. Link, Wolf Creek

“If you hang on to the past, you die a little every day… and for myself I know I’d rather live.”
Cape Fear

It was not the Ch. Link audiobook I mentioned earlier but ‘The Echo Of Guilt’ that I’ve listened to today and it’s cool. I’ve enjoyed quite a few audio versions of her stories and all were quite good. Thrilling, with a certain depth and little surprises that give the storyline a new twist every now and then, and Link has a solid hand for the psychological development of her characters. And the choice of voices who read those books are fine too, usually female voices with a hint of roughness. Slightly breathy but strong.

My favourite situation for audiobooks are long lonely drives, especially by car. As I’m at least a halfway ecologically responsible person and as gas gets more and more expensive too this pleasure gets ever rarer. Walking while listening isn’t the same but okaaay…
Today my walk took me along an old half-forgotten canal with lots of water lillies. Quite nice. To my surprise no insect bit me, even the wasp I saw gave me a wide berth. I might check out that nature thing again sometime.

Writing this brought to my mind when I last listened to one of those audiobooks. It was when I drove home from the indie festival at the E-Werk in Erlangen two weeks ago. I had a really nice afternoon there. I had the pleasure of watching WHY? play an excellent show (although they get more and more indie-indie and I miss the Anticon-style traces of experimental hiphop. That’s why I was looking forward to SUBTLE coming on tour again this autumn but they have cancelled it. I don’t know why.) Well, it was nice to listen to bands and hang around with friends, chatting, and I drank Radler for the first time this summer. Is shandy the English word for it? Beer and lemonade?
When it slowly got dark I drove home alone. It was just a half an hour drive but somehow the sudden impression of darkness and being lonely and reduced to listening to that part of the story – it was a total kick in the guts. I haven’t had such a sudden change of mood in quite a while.
The chapter of the story was about a woman who tried to hide from a man from her past who had beaten her up and on whom she had been submissively dependend before she managed to get away, take on a new personality and live on her own in another part of the country for a couple of years. At that point in the story you, the reader, are made to think she’s a bit hysterical and overanxious to think that guy might still be after her. That’s why it hits you even harder when you realize it’s really that guy again and he’s after her with uncompromising nothing-left-to-lose anger and aggression.
I can’t say if it the story was really written that good or if it was just me being touchy but its description of a blindness of fury that can’t be breached by gestures nor words, and also the woman’s helplessness and immobility – it really got to me.
It was like a big wave of sadness and anger rushing through me cause it sounded so familiar. I hate getting it rubbed in my face again and again and again over the years that I’m not really done with my past. It’s sick how deep family problems from your childhood can be stuck somewhere inside you. No matter how deep down your throat you shove them you never know when they will come strolling around the corner again with a mean sneer on their face that reminds you who’s the boss and suddenly you feel like you’re right there again, all small and curled up in a corner. It seems weird to write about things like that because I don’t want to sound like some constantly complaining victim cliche cause there are too many people who went through much worse stuff than me and still manage to handle it.

Anyway, that night my way of dealing with it was watching gloomy horror movies on TV, Dark Water and The Descent, so I at least got a here-and-now-reason to be filled with fear. It kind of helped.

The weekend after I also watched one of those films and that was quality! I’d like to recommend: WOLF CREEK by Greg McLean. Scared the shit out of me. It’s rather brutal but not half as obsessed with showing torture as for example Hostel. Hostel just made me angry at the movie, not scared. Wolf Creek is not about the sadism. If I remember it correctly it never gives you the point of view of the attacker. It’s more about fear and it’s good in playing with fear by taking you very close to the perspectives of the victims as long as they run desorientedly into the remote Australian Outback or as they fight or hide breathing heavily. Only when they get killed that perspective shifts a few more steps away. This somehow makes it more a story about the fear and the effort to escape than a story about the torturing and the killing. At least it seemed so to me.
I have to say that movie really killed any kind of rough charm the wide open Australian landscape ever had for me. No way that anything ever will get me there.

“There are centipedes” – ads and holiday

“There are centipedes” – ads and holiday “Work like you dont need the money
Love like you’ve never been hurt
Dance like there are centipedes in your vagina.”
(from the avatar of a msgboard friend of mine)

Sanitary pad and tampon advertisement always has been weird but a new spot really raises it to a new level: the one in which you get bumper cars instead of the usual blue ‘body fluid replacement’ to show you how the blood won’t flow out of the pad just like them cars don’t get out of their track. Who the fuck seriously thinks the idea of bumper cars racing and bumping around in your panties while you suffer from PMS and menstrual cramps will help selling sanitary pads?!

In other news I’ve taken two weeks holiday but haven’t really been strict enough on this. Instead I’ve been running around thinking ‘OMG we forgot to organise this’ and ‘will X think of Y? i’ll better remind him’ and so on. The running around part is just metaphorically spoken. I’ve spent too much time physically motionless during the last couple of days and my body tells me so. I’ve been feeling uncomfortable for quite a while,  for psychological reasons too, and taking that two week break was at least one step to start changes. Well, to make today a bit more holiday-like I’ve slept nine hours and have just loaded my mp3 player with Charlotte Link’s “Der fremde Gast” as audiobook read by Gudrun Landgrebe and will go for a long walk after breakfast. Me in nature. OMG.Wish me well.

80s mash ups / bootleg mixes

Here’s a bunch of them I’ve made a while ago, not all of them to my full satisfaction but fun anyways. At least I thought so at the time I made them.

dancing with a rolling stone” (incl. billy idol ‘dancing with myself’)

f_ck-k-k the pop-p-pressssure away” (incl. men without hats ‘pop goes the world’ and sigue sigue sputnik’s love missile)

fade / disappear” (incl. visage’s “fade to grey” with some eve massacre vocals and the faint)

love sun or hate sun it shines on tv” (not so old, has some a-ha in it)

me and the fake prince” (adam ant. i love him. there’s also calexico and the robocop kraus in this one)

melt in heaven” (the sparks’ ‘no. 1 song in heaven’ and the captain future theme and me singing ‘dry your eyes mate’ over it. not so sure about it anymore but it’s such a pinksugarcloudfrostedtrashpiece of music that i had to include it here)

money generation” (incl. grandmaster flash)

song to bring sexy back” (actually one of my faves though i’ve never played it out, it has bauhaus ‘she’s in parties in it’)

soupcats serve danger” (incl. depeche mode’s ‘master and servant’ and the soup dragons)

stressedest dancer” (not sure if it counts as mash up, maybe it’s just a cut up – justice with bits and pieces of sister sledge and michael jackson)

sweet as neurotic indie trash boys” (one of the best 80s italoelectrosongs ever, trans x, ‘living on video’ with moldy peaches and others)

too fucked to drink” (has animotion and malcom maclarens’ ‘madame butterfly’ in it, next to bits of different versions of ‘too drunk to fuck’ by the dead kennedys. and some björn leineweber)

when silhouettes cry” – (prince and postal service)

“Are you fagetarian?” – ORCHID party tonight

Tonight finally our first queer party in Nuremberg comes true: ORCHID (www.myspace.com/orchidclubbing). I miss my little cat like hell but partying down the sadness is about the best thing you can do in the face of death and after having spend houuuuurs last night with Quirin working on decoration, I’m more than ready for it. I haven’t been so excited about a party in a while, and I guess that’s because its motif isn’t only based on a vague idea of fun and some music genre(s) but also on an ‘attitude’. I’m really glad that Thomas Lechner took my invitation to dj cause his Candy Club parties in Munich are, next to the No No No! night in Leipzig (where I’ll be guest on the 20th of September with our wonderful Elektronisch Rocken boys, and it’ll be my birthday – woot!) and the Poopsy Club in Berlin (where I’ll be djing and live-ing on September 26th)… well, those parties where the kicks in the ass it took me to finally put up a queer party in Nuremberg too. I thought it was a shame that my hometown – despite of having lots of nice underground parties and wonderful people dancing their asses off there – has no queer party.

What else to say… Well, I came up with the slogan ‘Are you fagetarian?’ by mixing up song titles by two favourite artists of mine: “Fagetarian & Dyke” by Team Dresch and “Are you fagetarian?” by Joakim, thus combining heartfelt queerpunkrocksloganeering with a sophisticated dance tune. Perfect.

The name ORCHID stuck to my mind when watching the last episodes of LOST. If I remember it correctly, it’s a fake botanical garden which houses a secret facility to move the island in time. Moving an island and all – I liked that imagery for a queer party and also the other associations the name gave me: Orchid used to be one of my favourite posthardcore bands (they sadly split years ago) and their line ‘Dance tonight, revolution tomorrow’ fits well too. Last but not least another of my favourite bands was named Monorchid and the collage-eye-mouth-flowers on the Orchid site are taken from one of their album covers.

That’s it with the information, I’m off to pester people with posting oversized flyers in their myspace comments and then it’s already time to prepare things for tonight.

“Cutting out” – R.I.P. Tiga

“That’s life, that’s life and I can’t deny it
Many times I thought of cutting out
But my heart won’t buy it
But if there’s nothing shakin’ come this here july
I’m gonna roll myself up in a big ball and die
My, My…” F. Sinatra

Well, looks like nothin’ shakin’ came here in july so Tiga rolled himself up in a – well, not exactly big ball. nothing like you might have expected if you know him from a couple of years ago as the massive top-tomcat of the hood, but no, now, today, he ended as such a tiny furry ball, all shaky, weighing next to nothing compared to when I got him from the animal shelter, and when the vet put the needle to his thin vein it burst cause it was too fragile to hold the narcotic fluid but he died quickly and peaceful and now we’ve already buried him and it hurts like hell and the same time I can’t believe yet that I’ve lost him.

“Heart it races” – Tiga at the pool

“And we’re slow to acknowledge the knots on the laces
Heart it races” Architecture In Helsinki

Some neighbours complained about regularly finding my cat, Tiga, lying at their garden pond, one paw in the water and catching their fishes. So now I can’t let him out anymore. Instead he now got his own little pond to hang around: my kitchen sink.

He’s lying there for hours now, paw or mouth dipped in the water until I carry him somewhere else to sleep. Actually I don’t think he’s still able to catch fishes but as staying indoors doesn’t seem to bother him much anymore it’s better this way I guess. I wonder what his new found love for water is all about. He even didn’t complain when I soaped and showered him last week.

I know that 20 years is quite an age for a cat but still it’s hard to see him getting weaker and weaker. He can hardly walk anymore, especially his hind legs seem a bit lame. Every single day I think I should go see a vet but to be honest: I’m scared of getting the advice to have him euthanised. He doesn’t seem to be in pain and eats regularly (although he’s nothing but skin and bones by now) so I’ve decided to postpone the visit to the vet once more.